In the Belly of the Beast

By Frederick J. Blahnik

So without any explanation I abruptly and unexpectedly found myself entrapped within the belly of the beast

With obviously no place to turn for help in this dark and despicable place…..

And no one could hear my muffled screams either, even when I screamed from the very bottom of my lungs, from the very bottom of my essence, from the very bottom of my soul……

I was all alone in an impossible place facing impossible circumstances

The world as I knew it was over…..

Time stopped then…..

The world stopped turning…..

My life was effectively over.

And yet, just when the end was in sight—Not close, mind you, but plainly IN SIGHT!—and things could not have looked any bleaker, I discovered inner peace…..

That’s right, just when my life was on course to be effectively over, I connected intimately with my inner being…..

And this…..this is what my inner being told me at that harrowing, transcendent instant:

Be strong, Fred, you need to be STRONG now!!!!!

Stronger than tensile steel, stronger than the most massive elephant, stronger than the gravitational field of Jupiter, stronger than the hand of God…..

Stronger than you have ever been in the past!

Way, waaaaaaayyy stronger than you have ever been in the past!!!

Strength comes in many forms and iterations, and you must look deep inside yourself to find the strength you need in any particular moment or circumstance…..starting RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Sometimes there is no one else around to help you and then you must conjure the strength to save yourself…..

Sometimes “YOU” are the only option remaining…..

And thus I resolved to elevate myself to this hitherto impossibly giraffine level of strength.

And just at that instant—just when the end had come for me and my time as a living, earthly creature was set to expire, the beast shuddered involuntarily and regurgitated me out of its belly with a resounding convulsion.

Back into the earthly realm; back where the bizarre episode first started

But wait…..had I ever actually departed this verdant place or was it all some sort of grotesque dream???

Had it all been real?  Had these events even taken place??  Had I been dreaming all along???

Who knows???  Who can tell?  Who knows what the real truth ever is?

I didn’t then and I guess I never will know the correct answer either.

Yet I suddenly found myself not only alive, but divinely enlightened as well.

And I certainly do not plan on squandering this invaluable, newfound information…..

I have miraculously been granted a second chance at life and I surely don’t plan on wasting it…..

This is a bona fide miracle, this rebirth, this rising from the dead, this reenactment of a phoenix, and from this day onward I promise to carry forward a new perspective as my inseparable partner…..

A perspective based on faith…..

A perspective based on optimism…..

A perspective based on rejuvenation…..

A perspective based on enthusiasm and altruism and selflessness and alacrity…..

A perspective based on the most transcendent emotion of all, that being love…..

And finally, a perspective based on…..based on…..based on…..based on…..based on…..based on…..based on…..STRENGTH……….yes, towering, annihilating, all-conquering personal strength just as I was coached by that inscrutable, supernatural entity garbed in invisible clothing during my transitory stay in the belly of the beast!!!!!

…..he didn’t like goodbyes, didn’t like them at all.  And why should he?  Why should anyone??  Goodbyes are intrinsically sad…..mournful…..theatrical…..emotional in a negative way…..overly climactic…..overdone in general.  So why then go through the stupid tradition of honoring and paying homage to formal farewells as though they are requisite to maintaining a valid relationship?  Well, the correct answer is you don’t.  Just walk away next time.   Plain and simple.  No silly questions, no heart-straining hugs, no teary farewells.  Just walk away sans awkward embraces and words of parting.  The body of work—the scaffolding of a stalwart relationship, if you will—should have been constructed long before a departure of ways  becomes imminent.  A solid relationship should be built around the core and not the extremities.  Accordingly, treat that relationship with a confidence level commensurate with same and dispose of the dramatic severances which are hallmarks of inherently unreal classic movies and dripping with a cultural mystique that is arrantly undeserved…..

Today is a new day, unlike any that has come before it.  It is a completely blank slate, and as such I can do whatever I want with it provided I don’t violate the rights of others.  This new day comes unencumbered by past fears, prejudices, and mistakes.  It is an opportunity to reinvent myself if I don’t like what I see in the morning mirror.  That person facing you in said mirror is every bit as much a chameleon as those sneaky little lizards you see crawling around on the walls of Mexican vacation villas; either can change dramatically when confronted by vexing circumstances.  Facing a virgin day is like heading off into an inscrutable and unexplored wilderness, with all of the anticipation and excitement and wonderment such a journey should engender.  Today is a new day to explore—all by myself if I so choose or with others if that is my predilection—and I feel undeservedly blessed to have been handed something this sacrosanct.  I understandably and thusly do not plan on wasting it, if for no other reason when the grandfather clock hanging on the living room wall over there strikes midnight for the day I am currently experiencing—this divine gift from God worthy of genuflection and exclaiming hosannas from the most lofty mountaintops—it will henceforth be extinct and there will never be another one to replace it.

You were guilty of committing the same mistake which afflicts ninety nine percent of humankind:  You were too conservative when the situation called for decisive action!  You froze in the batter’s box while a waist-high fastball whizzed by you uncontested.  You took glee in capturing a pawn when a knight was there for the taking.  You asked the Plain Jane to dance when a wet-dream vixen was seated right next to her at the “it” nightclub.  You settled for a putrid outcome when aggressive maneuvering was still possible.  You preened and postured for too long when immediate action was not only called for, but absolutely necessary.  You fucked up, in other words—Fucked up royally!!!—and no silky words or mealy-mouthed excuse-making will change this inescapable fact one scintilla.  You could have had the world by the tail but you aimed lower and instead wound up gripping that malodorous orifice immediately beneath the tail.

Quitting is never quite as difficult the second time around, and the third, and the fourth……and then it becomes increasingly easier each time thereafter.  You become inured to it, accustomed to it, overcome by it—akin to any other undesirable habit.  Like everything else in daily life that follows a repetitious pattern, you become more and more proficient at the art of quitting the more you practice it.  But unfortunately, you remain so close to the situation that—akin to dry rot in wood left sitting unattended for too long a period of time—you are probably grossly unaware this malignant process is happening to you even as your life is ruined from within.

Too often, the easiest thing to do—as well as the right thing to do and the undisputed advisable course of action—becomes the hardest thing to do and impossible to resist, namely…..doing nothing!!!  That’s right, doing nothing!  Don’t interfere.  Don’t meddle.  Stay in your own lane at all times.  Mind your own business but not others’.  Don’t pretend to be informed, even expert, on a subject you know nothing about.  Sit on your hands and just do NOTHING, for God’s sake.  Above all else, resist the temptation to take some sort of action that will wind up harming someone else or cause them unnecessary complications, tribulation, and misery.  Actioneering seems almost instinctive in a crunch but, trust me, it isn’t.  Do what your best judgment tells you to do, which in not infrequent instances is nothing at all.

(Excerpted from the upcoming book “West by Northwest”)

For those of my readers unfamiliar with the culture of northern Minnesota, one prominent statue of Paul Bunyan is situated at the gateway to the uniquely gritty small city of Bemidji, and then there is another equally impressive one located in the fishing mecca of Brainerd not far to the southeast.  Both are appropriately sited, of course, inasmuch as legend holds the North Woods of Minnesota was irrefutably Paul Bunyan’s birthplace and favorite playground.  Not, mind you, Crescent City, California; seeing Paul Bunyan and his sidekick Babe the Blue Ox venerated there seemed woefully out of place and shamefully improper.  Here we were touring in northern California, being inundated with this mellow, laid-back, devil-may-care California mentality, and then the five of us upper midwestern Blahniks were stunned to see hard-working Paul and Babe being celebrated in the midst of all that sloth and succor. 

Shame shame shame on you, thieving Californians!!!  You shouldn’t be appropriating a cultural icon from the North Woods of Minnesota, yes, THAT Minnesota, the blue-collar fantabulous Land of 10,000 Lakes and Bud Grant and Jesse “The Body” Ventura and lefse and lutefisk.  Minnesota isn’t trying to pilfer the Golden Gate Bridge, Baywatch, and the Beach Boys from you now, are they, California?!?!  So stop perpetrating this contemptible ruse on the outside world, you fake, asshole poseurs!!!

No matter how daunting a task looming in front of you may seem—–JUST START IT!!!!!   You won’t know for sure whether or not you can accomplish the damned thing unless you actually dig in and try!  A lot of endeavors appear to be virtually impossible on their surface when viewed from a distance through a long-range lens, but then once you become immersed in the experience a whole new set of possibilities open up that weren’t clearly visible at the outset.  Life is chronically embroiled in a dizzying state of flux, as are the smaller units within it that we more familiarly know as days, hours, and minutes.  Thus don’t ever be intimidated into not starting a scary project out of some irrational fear that you won’t be able to finish it.  Instead, unceasingly strive to remember and embrace this transcendent corollary:  Failing honorably as the direct consequence of a noble effort is nothing to be ashamed of!!!  You did your best—all your body was physically capable of doing—and that’s the only part of the grand equation that genuinely matters!!!!!

A platinum reputation is like a fragile, exquisite clay vase.  Sculpting one takes considerable time, skill, and care, yet either can be permanently and irreparably destroyed in little more than an instant if indiscretion is allowed to rule, however briefly.  Do not allow this to happen.  Tend to your reputation—an innately dainty object—with the utmost care, for if you allow it to get shattered then successfully gluing it back together  as before will be about as easy as attempting to pole vault over the Washington Monument with a baseball bat.

As soon as a moment passes, as good and exhilarating as it may have been, release it and move on to the next.  Clinging to a cherished but extinct moment is little different than embracing but then not releasing your grip on the cold, deceased carcass of a beloved relative, and of course no sane person would ever do that.  You honor the past best by quickly moving on from it.