Author: Fred Blahnik

Burglar

By Frederick J. Blahnik

 

The sanctity of our house came under attack last night

A vile burglar–operating solely by himself and thus the lone caretaker and conservator of his questionable conscience–secured illegal entry in the wee hours of the morning

He then proceeded to roam unfettered throughout our living space, violating all the commonly accepted rules of privacy

The unbelievable hubris of that small fellow!

Sneaking into our domicile uninvited, and then making himself completely at home just like a distinguished houseguest

And, furthermore, smugly assuming he had us totally outsmarted

However, to his everlasting chagrin, this vile burglar overstayed his welcome.

Because this morning, upon arising from bed, I serendipitously discovered his presence

And thereupon proceeded to confront him face-to-face

I had the scofflaw cornered and at bay, and an unmistakable look of fear and bewilderment was etched across his sneering, pointed face

Where has all that conceit and bombast gone now, Cocky Little Fellow?!

But, amazingly, I felt a tiny degree of sympathy for the guilty-as-hell felon as well

Even as I collected my pre-positioned sticky trap from the floor next to a laundry room wall, where his tiny feet were inextricably entrapped within its gooey clutches

And then–foregoing his Miranda rights and his entitlement to a fair trial by a jury of his peers and even a final meal of his own choosing–I immediately pronounced a sentence of death and carted this vile burglar off to the gallows for a stylish, old-fashioned execution.

NEVER be afraid to pull the trigger!!! You can only spend so much time with your quarry in the crosshairs before you have to make a life-or-death decision:  Either pull the trigger…..or draw down.  These are really the only two options to choose from in almost every instance you’ll run into in life.  And if you do lose your nerve and mistakenly allow your prey to walk free, be prepared to live with mucho regrets over your lack of decisiveness.  Don’t ever forget this thought, inasmuch as these words may as well be the mantra to live every remaining day of your life by:  Doing something requires far more courage than cowering in the shadows doing nothing, because doing nothing is always the safe “decision” which doesn’t rile anyone up or upset the status quo.  But this course of “action” doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t feel right, and your conscience will everlastingly keep reminding you of your passive cowardice.

…..”THE SKY IS FALLING!!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!!”  And instead of immediately seeking nearby shelter in the interest of their personal safety, everyone reflexively gazed towards the heavens to see whether the crier was in fact telling the truth.  But by then it was too late, of course–Thunderbolts from the sky take split seconds and not hours to arrive at their destination!–and the whole kit-and-caboodle of them were incinerated like roasting marshmallows impaled on long-handled forks before they could find suitable sanctuary.  All except the crier, that is, for her behavior was not impeded by that most basic human impulse–Skepticism!!!–allowing her to dive beneath a firewall and in the process purchase additional time on Earth as a sentient human being, albeit an ineffably lonely one…..

NOTE:  The following jokes are original and copyrighted.

 

My youngest daughter and I stopped by Silver Lake in Rochester for a brisk walk around that murky body of water. Some ignoramus was feeding the resident ginormous gaggle of geese dried-up bread in the lake’s parking lot, thus snarling traffic that was attempting to drive through the asphalt rectangle. I was peeved about that situation, but my uber-compassionate daughter was more concerned about another subject.  She indicated in a forceful volley of words that bread was not good sustenance and an ill-advised foodstuff for geese.  I wondered aloud why this might be so.  My daughter retorted in a hostile tone of voice that didn’t invite further discussion, “Well, bread just tastes really crumby to them!!”

 

Didya year about the diner who was grossly overcharged at a cannibal restaurant?  The whole experience ended up costing him an arm and a leg!

Confidence breeds success. And success breeds increased confidence…..this is a wonderful, self-perpetuating cycle, isn’t it?  But what is the key ingredient I haven’t spoken about yet?    Effort.  Attempting.  Engaging.  In order to enjoy any measure of success, you must first have the guts to try.  You cannot succeed without first trying.  Such may sound like a moronically obvious statement, but you would be astounded to learn how many individuals sit on the sidelines–endlessly watching–and then have the audacity to complain about their lack of success and the fact they have never received any “breaks” in life.  What a crock of shit that is!!!  No one succeeds every time they attempt something, but those who have experienced failure are also the same people who will ultimately taste success, and henceforth those successes will multiply over time as the individual’s confidence first blossoms and then continues to mushroom.  But first you must try.  Trying is the critical ingredient.  I promise you this:  Short of an initial effort, nothing of merit will ever come your way.

Contrary to popular belief, change is not always good. Some changes are good while others are not, and REAL wisdom lies in being able to discern the difference between the two in a relatively short period of time without succumbing to that most common malady afflicting mankind–mindless conformity–and blindly following the masses akin to a dog futilely chasing its tail for hours upon hours.  Change in itself is value-neutral and should in every instance be evaluated strictly on its innate merits, not on its current level of popularity or lack thereof.  Of course, this same bare-knuckle strategy could and should be employed with age-old customs and traditions–as well as institutions–that typically escape the microscope of constructive scrutiny, chiefly for sentimental reasons.

Thank you for welcoming me into your busy life!  I will be writing on just about anything that comes to mind, in whatever literary style or presentation I may be feeling on any given day, but typically in short form fashion because I surprisingly get bored with writing if I indulge in this great passion of mine for too long. Feel free to disagree with anything I write  as the days and weeks and months unfold before us; you are entitled to that right in our free uncensored society, and should hold it dear to your chest.  Having said that, you certainly do not need my explicit permission to speak your mind and probably would anyway.  I have no idea how long this blog will run or how extensive it might become, but along the way I hope to awaken or inspire emotions inside you on rare occasions, and hopefully more than that if the planets align and conditions are right.  And if I cannot accomplish said feat through the preternatural power of the word–After all, words are easily the most powerful weapons in the world, far more so than nuclear-tipped ballistic missiles or elaborate cluster bombs–then I am wasting not only your time but my own too, and should go back to punching a time-clock twice a day, five days a week.  But I digress here; I do strongly believe in the intrinsic power of words along with my own ability to sculpt and properly organize those devilish, chameleonesque things into fascinating creations, so hopefully we can both walk away from my upcoming literary endeavor with a measure of lasting benefit complemented by a driving thirst for still more sustenance.  I look forward to giving birth to dynamic new material within this Internet blog, and hope that as the future encroaches on the present you will wait with anticipation for a regular helping of original, valuable writing as well.

Most “facts” are little more than strongly held opinions dressed up in fancy soiree dresses and three-piece tuxedoes.    –Frederick J. Blahnik