The Legion of the Maskless
By Frederick J. Blahnik
They are patriots of the highest order, these paragons of virtue, these modern-day Ethan Hales, these dedicated upholders of uniquely American ideals and values. Sort of like our brave early American ancestors who were actively involved in the Boston Massacre or disguised themselves as Indians and then pitched bales of tea into Boston Harbor to protest British government overreach. I tell ya, Reader, the fealty to cause and raw patriotism these individuals demonstrate should never be questioned or downplayed. They are truly American patriots of the highest order.
THEY are proud charter members of The Legion of the Maskless.
Yes, that’s right, The Legion of the Maskless.
Those other stupid idiots walking around sporting masks virtually full-time? Fuckin’ scaredy cats is what they are!! Stupid, cowardly assholes!!! Lemmings!! Blind conformists!! Liberal Democrats! Don’t those gullible cocksuckers know this whole coronavirus ruse is nothing more than a hoax being perpetrated on contemporary American society by leftist agitators and anarchists?
The 350,000 dead (and counting) victims from the pernicious infection? An exaggerated number, undoubtedly, but most of those who do actually die from Covid-19 are nothing more than old geezers who probably would have perished a month or so from now anyway stemming from pneumonia, diabetes, congestive heart failure or any of a host of other natural causes; take your pick from that lengthy list if you want! They are/were parasites on society, to put it politely. A fatal coronavirus infection might actually prove to be a big blessing for some of these senescent, deplorable old goats inasmuch as it will spare them a hideous, more prolonged death from some other cause. That’s basically a good thing in the long run, isn’t it? Natural selection and the survival of the fittest and all that stuff??
The Legion of the Maskless groupies know that science and modern medicine are just cockamamie schemes cooked up by those aforementioned leftist agitators and CNN talking heads to brainwash every citizen into subservience. The very idea of filtration, in this instance filtering deadly pathogens out of the air before they can enter one’s vulnerable pulmonary tract, is pure baloney. Pure baloney, I tell ya!!! It’s never been proven in everyday life!
Why, in order to debunk the underlying theory of filtration, the Legion of the Maskless have decided to start running their motor vehicles without air filters just to prove that debris sucked into one’s internal combustion engine from the outside atmosphere will cause no damage to the motor itself. Furthermore, the Legion of the Maskless have elected to remove all filtration apparatus from their drinking water sources and thereafter just drink pure, unfiltered, old-fashioned tap water rife with nitrates and bacteria. That glut of fancy filtration equipment which water has to pass through in order to be considered safe for drinking is a gigantic waste of money and is plainly a Leftist conspiracy intended to generate obscene profits and make ordinary citizens beholden and subservient to their various levels of government.
The Legion of the Maskless know that asking ordinary citizens to wear a mask when out in public is a ham-handed attempt to steal away our constitutionally guaranteed right to do exactly as we please(?) and obviously is NOT a compassionate attempt to prevent us from becoming gravely ill or from infecting other people innocent of any crime.
Let’s face it, The Legion of the Maskless know everything; there is nothing they don’t know; they are experts on every subject under the sun. The opinions of virologists and epidemiologists and medical experts who have studied in their respective fields for decades and even scores of years pale in comparison to the instinctive judgment of members of The Legion of the Maskless. These gifted people just know through blind intuition that Covid-19 particles in the air are too miniscule to be filtered by any conceivable type of mask, including those worn by surgeons and ICU personnel. Turns out, in fact, that those overly credulous medical people have been arrantly wrong all along: Donning masks to squelch infections in a hospital setting is a silly waste of time, therefore there is no valid reason why they should be doing so!
The Legion of the Maskless know this information is the gospel truth, hence why don’t doctors and nurses and all of the so-called “medical experts”? Those guys are just a bunch of dupable fools, a bunch of born suckers, a bunch of impressionable conformists…..a bunch of ignorant nincompoops!!! They should be coming and seeking advice from the Legion of the Maskless if they really want to know the truth about the efficacy of mask-wearing. Members of the Legion of the Maskless will be more than happy to enlighten them regarding the foolishness and futility of mask-wearing to fight a worldwide pandemic; it’s useless and unwarranted; it’s totally unnecessary; it’s a damned Leftist conspiracy is what it is!!!
After all, The Legion of the Maskless followers know far more about the subject than any practitioner within the medical profession, well…..both them and the nighttime pundits at Fox News. Those evening commentators at Fox News admittedly know a helluva lot about the stupidity of wearing face coverings to combat a respiratory pandemic too, so their views and opinions should be widely accepted as well and not derided as liberal anarchists would ask you to do.
The Legion of the Maskless sycophants know literally everything when it comes to the efficacy of wearing face coverings to battle airborne pathogens. What’s more, they KNOW they know better than any and all members of the medical and scientific communities, and what better way to broadcast this intellectual superiority than by gallivanting around in public sans a face covering for all to see? Such a statement says everything the world needs to know; such a statement lets the highly naive public know in very stark terms that not only is the purported coronavirus pandemic a giant hoax perpetrated on the general public by our nefarious federal government, but that recommended and sometimes mandated mask-wearing is a diabolical extension of that hoax.
The Legion of the Maskless devotees know all this and therefore it is incumbent upon each member to educate the public at large about the two hoaxes being foisted upon them. The Legion of the Maskless takes this responsibility seriously; they feel it is their duty as front-line patriots. And in the end, that is what people who adhere to the teachings of the Legion of the Maskless adjudge themselves to be: Front-line American patriots defiantly battling their federal government to defend some undefined, invisible Constitutional right that apparently only they are privy to—the right to do whatever they please, whenever they please, wherever they please, however they please…..with nary a thought or a care for how their infantile behavior might adversely impact other citizens around them. The “constitutional” rights of the Legion of the Maskless are paramount and come before all others. If others’ rights—including and especially the right to avoid becoming deathly ill and by extension the right to continue living—are trampled in the process, who the fuck cares anyway?!
Yeah, who the fuck cares if some liberal agitator who probably believes that Black Lives Matter and that Donald Trump is NOT the greatest American president since Abraham Lincoln becomes deathly ill and maybe even dies???
Not disciples of The Legion of the Maskless!!!
No, most decidedly not disciples of The Legion of the Maskless!!!!!
Let’s just get rid of as many of those shameful, whimpering liberals as we can by whatever means possible!!!!!
The Legion of the Maskless followers know they are right on every subject imaginable, thus whatever imbeciles and stooges choose to think is absolutely immaterial to them. These patriots of the nth magnitude have their invisible “constitutional” rights to defend, after all, and that is a tiring, full-time job in and of itself. All that other peripheral stuff—facts, scientific truths, consideration of others, social responsibility, compassion, noble citizenship, irrefutable evidence—none of that theoretical horseshit matters one iota when you are one hundred percent certain the truth is on your side.
Understand now???
I thought you might after having the nuts and bolts of the situation carefully explained to you…..
Long story short, it always helps if you know everything and everyone else knows nothing, especially if you can sling an automatic rifle over your shoulder for added emphasis and then prance around in public implicitly threatening everyone around you with the weapon. That allows you to be nothing less than an expert on every subject known to mankind and the following summation, probably more than anything else, best describes the Legion of the Maskless: Brilliant in any and every discipline you can conceive and name, yet with no formal training or apparent expertise in any of them. Come armed with this hubristic attitude and you will almost certainly be granted admittance into The Legion of the Maskless on your first application.
Just don’t make the unforgivable mistake of ever forgetting the official motto of The Legion of the Maskless: IGNORANCE CONQUERS ALL!!!!! After all, facts and actual truths are dangerous little critters that pose a grave threat to every American citizen, ergo we must avoid those dastardly things at all cost!
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