Suicide Watch

Suicide Watch

By Frederick J. Blahnik

 

They’ve had this guy on suicide watch for the past week……

Can you fuckin’ feature the surreal absurdity of that?!?!?!

Huh?!?!?!

I mean, can you truly TRULY fuckin’ feature that?????

Here he sits on Death Row—scheduled to be executed in a week’s time—and the dumb, son-of-a-bitchin’ bureaucrats running the prison have him on suicide watch, apparently afraid the condemned stiff will unfairly rob them of their civic duty and kill himself before they can indulge in the pleasure of legally murdering him themselves.

How’s that for random stupidity?!?!

Really, how does that rate as an Orwellian wasting of taxpayer dollars?!?!

The guy is gonna be dead in a week’s time anyway, yet the dumb son-of-a-bitches don’t want him to ruin the big publicity party they have gone to the effort of elaborately planning.  The media and those bombastic conservative shitheads on A.M. talk radio and the hypocritical Republican bastards who incessantly preach toughness against crime and other similar low-IQ miscreants would be disappointed—no no, “disappointed” is far too weak of a descriptive word…..totally aghast—if this great showcase of theirs is somehow stolen away from them by the featured performer himself at the proverbial last minute.  How selfish of that crazy, murdering bastard to just be thinking of himself at such a critical moment in time.  Why, the uncooperative, ungrateful piece of shit deserves to die a second and third and fourth time over even just for being so goddamned self-entitled and difficult to deal with!

Yeah, prison officials have had this guy on suicide watch for the past week now…..

One week and counting.

Why?!?!

Well, because they simply cannot afford NOT to…..!!!!!

That venal asshole, to think he might even be considering something so utterly harebrained just to be spiteful and purely to spoil an epic party prearranged months in advance with all of the big national news networks attending and bright lights shining and cameras rolling and tons of favorable publicity blowing back on an august detention center……

But……….d’ya think……………?????

 

I scarcely think we have to worry about something so grossly unlikely, don’t you…..???

 

Yet……………………………………where there’s a will there’s a way…..

 

(Long pause)

 

Quick…..double the guards and make one hundred percent certain that sneaky bastard doesn’t go and hang himself with a bedsheet or do something equally stupid and selfish, okay?!?!  We deserve our moment in the sun after all the bad publicity this institution has received lately, and this conniving asshole sure as hell ain’t gonna deprive us of what is rightfully ours.  An embarrassing unplanned death will never happen on MY watch, I can guarantee you that!!!

Didya hear me already, or are ya just plain dumb as a box of rocks?????

I SAID GO DOUBLE THE GUARDS OUTSIDE THE PRISONER’S CELL RIGHT NOW AND STRIP THE BUTTFUCKER’S BEDSHEETS THIS VERY INSTANT!!!!!  And make damned sure he doesn’t come in close proximity to any semi-sharp objects either!  That sorry assface can sleep on the cold cement floor and shit in his hands and half starve to death for all I care about his welfare until the midazolam flows!!!

After all, we can never be too careful with regard to societal safety nowadays.